Travelogue 2: Thailand, As smooth as silk? You are kidding!

by Philip Mudartha
Bellevision Media Network

 23 Febraury 2014 :They give us Indians visa on arrival in Bangkok. Deplane and follow fellow Indians. If you erred in answering nature’s call, brushing your teeth or freshening you after a red-eye midnight night flight from Mumbai, don’t make the second mistake: Seek help from Information desk. The ladies manning those counters at Suvernabhumi Airport speak no English. Instead, wander around a bit, look for signs, find them and follow. Q-up, have patience, documents pre-checks and waiting to be called for stamping visa is serious consular business. In our case, it took roughly 2 hours. The first sunrays seemed unusually harsh for late December morning.

 

I had paid online for a shared-van to meet & greet us and take us to our hotel in Pattaya City. A not-at-all-pretty hostess Namaste-ed and enticed me to make a purchase: a sim with a pre-paid number for 100 baht. She promptly vanishes putting us in the capable hands of a young lad, who drove like crazy, spoke no English. He carried on an animated phone conversation with either his girlfriend or mother even as he pulled out of the airport till we were dropped off after two hours. 

 

Star hotels have spoilt me. I had visions of being welcomed with a smile, a greeting with folded female hands, a complimentary drink and an express ushering into my deluxe room. I found out to my shock and distress, from a very rude receptionist, that we would be checked-in ONLY at the standard hour, which is 2:00 p.m. Gosh! What on earth we do for five hours? Just hang around in the lobby, mister! Can we have breakfast included in the paid room plan this morning and skip it when checking-out early after our stay? Absolutely not! Rules are rules. It is same in every hotel in Pattaya. What do they think: are they running a scout camp instead of a hospitality business? Are my expectations of being pampered too high in a small beach town that was overflowed with all kinds of tourists as the year draws to a close?

 
Young and mischievous at heart and cynical in approach

We allocated two days to savor sights and sounds of this Sin City. It has a vast beach-front along the Gulf of Thailand. Old European men lie around in various modes of undress. They flaunt their young native women on the beach, in bars and pubs and on streets. They may be wives, mistresses, escorts, nurses, tourist guides, I don’t know. We settle down at a table at the beach-front facing the main marketplace. I order several kinds of grilled street food and a jug of chilled Chang beer for an early dinner.  There is no better place for people watching. Yes, they sell everything to tourists: clothes, trinkets, exotic grilled food including scorpions, lizards, flies, cockroaches, chicken, pigs, fish, vegetables and themselves.

 

The night-life that is appropriate for a family consisting of senior citizens and a daughter in early twenties is a song & dance show at Alcazar Cabaret. The artistes are lady boys dressed as beautiful curvaceous ladies. The show is clean entertainment, well-choreographed and above all, universal in appeal. Photography and videography is prohibited inside the auditorium, but who cares? The show was fully sold out. We, the late birds, managed reasonably front seats on the balcony for 600 baht each. We skipped the post-show souvenir photo session with artiste(s). Each session costs 200 baht, besides the long wait.

No sight is uglier than that of woman inappropriately dressed for beach outing.

The island Koh Larn lying 13Kms is touted as tranquil getaway for family fun and great for water sport lovers by Thai tourism and tour operators. I signed in for a half day package, which included a hop by a powered boat to a parasailing base station, a ferry ride to another snorkeling base station near the island, transfer by boat to the island, a glass bottom boat ride for 15 minutes and then a return ferry ride. An additional charge for a 5-minute parasailing swish is 500 baht, for a 15 minute snorkeling or under water walking is 1200 baht, and a 5 minute jet skiing is 300 baht. They will remind you that these are once-in-a lifetime experience, nah? (No; Dubai, Doha, Mombasa, Mauritius and Greece have given me far superior experiences of such water sports). You may end up buying memories at 200 baht a photo of your adventures and follies!! Believe me, the sand is pure white no doubt, but waters are from translucent; I strained my eyes and neck but did not cite any underwater marvels. 75% of tourists were past their prime for ANY water sports, 20% were honeymooning couples busy doing their own things in crowded places, and among the rest  who venture to get wet, only a handful are in appropriate beach-wear. No sight is uglier than that of Indian women coming out of sea drenched in her salwaar-kameez or trousers-T shirt.  Oh, I forgot: the package includes an Indian lunch and a trip to gem factory. I cleverly give a miss the pilgrimage to gem factory. The Indian lunch is Chicken Korma with Indian bread prepared by Bangladeshi cooks and dished out by Nepali ladies. You pay for drinks: mineral water, soft drinks and beer.

Hum yehan kis liye aaye hei? Shopping wopping nahi karni?

Other than visa-on-arrival facility, cheap and direct flights attract us Indians to Bangkok for shopping at its glitzy malls and bargain-hunting at its crowded night bazars. Every visitor to Thailand is asked: what did you bring for me from Bangkok? Kya achche achche dresses milte hein, maloom? Aur electronics, kya cheap hein, yaar! Indra market, paragon mall, and Phatum market is where plane loads of Indians head during their pre-paid 4N/5D packages which includes 2 nights in Pattaya and 2 nights in Bangkok.

I closed a deal with a tour operator for transfer from Pattaya to Bangkok in shared-van. His price included a half-a-day Bangkok City Tour upon arrival there by noon. The ritual of looking up two of the most visited Buddhist temples- The Golden Buddha and Temple of Reclining Buddha- took only two hours! We spent next two hours with two honeymooning and elderly retired couples each in the shared van, being driven around in the traffic-infested by-lanes for our prized tourist attraction. Any guesses? The Gem factory!!

Didn’t I tell you, Thais only sell? They excel in the con act too, whether the Coral Island Tour off Pattaya or Bangkok City Tour. Caution: If you are an avid photographer, do not be so engrossed in the act that you forget your wallet. Pick-pockets everywhere! 

 

When you arrive, look around, follow the signs and be prepared to wait in long queue for your visa.

 

Pattaya does not sleep. Through day and night, you can live on the streets. To go from places, just walk or hop onto a passing songthaew. It is a pick-up truck converted as a shared taxi.  Don’t bother to talk to driver, get off at your destination and give him 10 baht. If you aren’t going anywhere, sit and relax until it comes back to where you got in, and pay 10 baht!

 

The beach of course is the best place to be during the day. Water sports are expensive when paidby session.  All goras have years of experience. That allows them to hire equipment for many weeks or months and have fun at a fraction of the cost an occasional Indian visitor shells out.

 

Indians do what Chinese used to do ten years ago. Carry cameras and smart-phones, take pictures of self and film their activities. The goras travel around with a backpack, live and enjoy the moment…

 

Streets and watching people educates as much as queuing up at a history museum. Eat on the street for 25-50 baht.

 

Never miss a Thai massage. I mean of the right kind, the foot, shoulder, and full body. Not the naughty kind, in closed cabins. I got my foot, neck and shoulders massaged regularly. This 1-hr foot massage costs 150 baht.

 

All by ourselves to celebrate our wedding anniversary.Dinner Cruiseon Chao Phraya River in Bangkok.Cost 1600 baht per person, plus drinks extra.

 

Ringing in the New Year in Central Bangkok. The place was crazy with cheering merry-makers just a while ago. Walking the street to get back on foot…

 

Inside the cabin of Asiatique Sky 60-m above River Chao Phraya. It is a Ferris Wheel Imitation of London Eye. Cost for 4 -rounds 250 baht per person plus an hour of queuing up.

 

Anti-Government Street Protests in Bangkok and major cities in Thailand.

 

Water Taxis the best Expressways In Bangkok. For 15 baht, you can get to remotest corner of city just in an hour.

 

Ask him anything. Buddha grants your wishes. Young ladies come here to ask for a good budda.

 

The other Buddha.Solid Gold, 5500kgs of metal.Just pray and meditate. Don’t steal.

 

The Reclining Buddha, in watchful pose. Pickpockets are on the loose in Bangkok’s most crowded Temple Complex.

 

Once is enough. Keep away from Indians and their restaurants in Thailand.

Dog is one of Thai gods. Idol keeps vigil while real snoozes at Dog Temple in Chiang Mai.

 

Near professional painters among elephants in Mae Sa National Park not far from Burma on northwest Thailand. This painting sold for 1000 baht.

 

Elephant Art Gallery: these paintings are by amateur artist elephants. Cost 150-500 baht range.

 

Travel in the forest, cross Ping River on Elephant’s back. 400 baht for 45 minute trip per person.  Plus, the elephant demands tips of sugarcane every 5-10 minutes, allowance 100 baht.

 

On village routes, this mode of transport does not need a caption. 1 hour trip costs 200 baht per person family, plus buffaloes demands bunches of banana as soon as they spot a street side stall. Allow 60 baht extra.

 

The tribal boatman handles i-phone camera with dexterity. Traveling downstream on River Ping for 5 minutes costs 100 baht person plus boatman tips of 40 baht.

 

Tribal basti all over North Thailand are tourist attractions. Seriously, they hire the hut for homestays. Goras love the experience.

 

Forest Reserves in Northern Thailand. Nomadic Tribes wander across mountains and rivers across border with Burma without visa and detection on foot or on bamboo rafts…

 

Legally and officially, can cross into Burma and back at Land Border. A narrow rivulet of Mekong River, not even 40 feet wide, divides Maesai border town. The no-man’s land is the bridge across the river. It is for visa running. Indians don’t ever try. Goras, risk it, who knows?

 

The Thai and Burmese sides have one thing common. Women selling stuff. This lady sells Maesai local wines made from hundreds of exotic fruits. I tasted six types. I bottle 100 baht. 300 for 4 bottles buy a hundred for 3000 baht. In Bangkok, one bottle sells for 600 baht in shops.

 

Getting across to Laos and back at this border town is easy. The ugly bank with a golden Buddha is Thai side of Mekong River. The other bank is paved with cut stones, and has Pagoda style structures, domes painted in gold. They are temples to communist gamblers from China. They are casinos. The sin money from China ends up there. The boat charges 300 baht for 2-way trip plus Laos charges 30 baht admission fee.

 

A Laos market. Buy Chinese goods here at throwaway prices, suitcase full. Also buy Laotian whisky if you can drink it and survive!

 

Real but dead snakes, scorpions, and any sort of wild crawling insects. I tasted from a jar of Laotian Vodka with Ginseng Root.

 

Keep the lady fed what she wants to eat. Fish being cooked at table with an obsolete abandoned pressing iron. Burning coal, no smoke.

 

My daily meal…Thai and strictly local, village farmer eats day in and day out. Watch warming stove design the petroleum cake is burning and fumes exit from central nozzle. Watch your moustache.

 

Or treat them at a star gourmet restaurant, in case Thai food is just too much for fair ladies.

 

The spring water is HOT! Spewing sulphur and salts.

 

There are temperature controlled ponds nearby for a 20 minute immersion of feet and hands.
Good remedy for aches and rheumatism. There are treatment spas around the hot springs.

 

Heard of Karens? Hounded and driven from Burma? There are hundreds of Karen sub-tribe tribes in the villages inside Golden Traingle, the Opium growing land infested with drug lords and dons. Spending some time with them in their huts and market places.

 

Their hand-made hand-crafted bags. Sold at 150 baht per piece, got a bargain of 5 bags for 500 baht.

 

The King came up with an idea to create an alternate source of living in exchange for giving up Opium growing. With his own personal money, he built the white temple. It attracts millions of tourists and the market is buzzing with local goods and handicrafts selling briskly.

 

This is a toilet house for men and women in the White temple premises. I would like such toilets built in every temple, mosque, church, pagoda and basadi in India.

 

This ugly concrete structure is a temple under construction, when completed will be as modernistic and artistic as the WHITE TEMPLE shown earlier. Go back in 2016 to take a self-picture in front of it!

 

Keep the ladies occupied. At Madame Tussauds.

 

Wax hands of Biwi, Self and Fair Lady Junior.  Each wax hand is worth 250 baht.

 

Buy cookies and local peppermints at Tuktuk kiosks. Tuktuks are bullock-carts in Thai cities, mainly in Bangkok. Thye don’t run by meter, beware! And they are RUDE.

 

Come home, Suvernabhumi Airport Departure Hall. SamudraManthan yields nectar…retain only good memories and forget the ugly ones.

 

Count the cost and never mention it to the better half.Especially, the shopping bills. 

 

Thailand is not all bad, it is lot of fun and a worthy holiday destination

I did not throw away my money on to fret and fume. There are plenty of attractive places go, do enjoyable things and make the vacation worth the expenses. Like what?

Skip Pattaya and Bangkok; leave them to Indian tourists arriving on package tours. Escape to National Parks in North, North-east and East of the country. Take long distance trains or Fly domestic low cost carrier. I took them to see Hua Lamphong Railway Station in Bangkok, its facilities and long distance trains. By leaps and bounds, they are ten times better to how situation is at Victoria Terminus and its long distance Indian trains. My fair ladies balked at sleeping in a overnight train for twelve hours. They would like to fly only. I surrender and buy flights for reasonable fares. Even at eleventh hour, they cost me half what similar domestic flights cost us in India.

We flew to Chiang Mai and used it as base to get around in vans and buses. We made long trips to Mae Sa Elephant Camp, Her Majesty The Queen Botanical Garden, Doi Suthep National Park, Chiang Rai, and Mae Sae and Chiang. At Mae Sae, we peered across Myanmar from the banks of a minor tributary of Mekong River. At Chaing, we took a boat to ply us across the Mekong River into Laos and then bring us back. We thoroughly enjoyed our escapades. I might mention in passing that the three of us were the only Indians. My estimate is 90% of tourists in this region were adventure loving Europeans and Americans. Australians, New Zealanders, Japanese and Koreans were others. Unlike fellow Indians haggling over prices Bangkok’s Indra and Phatum markets and taking for camera in front of historical buildings and city landmarks, we- the unconventional Indians- made our holiday memorable in interior Thailand sampling village life, their food and observing their means of living. They were very hospitable, friendly and smiling like civilized peoples are.

I have admiration for western women in particular. They give priority for physical fitness. It makes them agile to face the rigors of travel in most adventurous terrain. They can endure uncomfortable modes of travel like hiking, cycling, bus rides, rafting, taking trains and so forth. In the zip-line and buggy jumping sports, they partner shoulder to shoulder with their men. Our women prefer to sit back and munch potato chips! And when we come home after being pampered, what do men get to hear? Take trip through the photo album. (I am shy to share photographs, but I surrender to public demand).